Today I am blogging from the hospital. It's been awhile since I've done that. I always say I'm going to, but then I never do because I don't want to deal with the emotions that blogging brings out. I am going to stop doing that, though, and just lay my heart out here for everyone. I need to quit ignoring the things I'm feeling, quit being so unapproachable, so walled off. So be ready, because things are about to change around here!
First, I want to address the issue or strength. I know I've mentioned before how people tell me that I'm so strong and they don't know how I deal with everything that's going on in life. Here's the secret: I don't. Seriously. I don't deal with the emotions that Jaxson brings to my heart and mind. It causes problems at home because I'm snappy, irritable and sometimes very hard to deal with. I give Jayson a ton of credit for putting up with my inability to recognize certain emotions and deal with them properly. He has got to be one of the most patient men in the world! I will be the first to tell you that I do not feel strong at all. I have break downs after long periods of bottling up my emotions, it's just that no one sees that. I hide it pretty well, at least on the Internet.
Second, I want to discuss said feelings. I'm terrified. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm angry. I'm sensitive to things that normally wouldn't bother me. I love my family deeply, even if I can't show it. I'm proud. I'm thankful. I'm a chaotic mess. I have two beautiful boys who have a bond that will never be broken. When Jeffrey and Jayson left last night, Jeffrey made sure to give his brother a hug. And then he kissed him right on the lips. I almost lost it right there. He's such a sweet, caring and lovable little boy, a picture of perfection. I'm so scared that he's not getting what he needs. I'm scared that Jaxson is never going to get out of coming to this place all the time. I'm scared that Jayson and I won't be able to provide everything these boys need in order to grow up without a care in the world. I'm anxious and nervous for obvious reasons. There's always something new with Jaxson. He just can't catch a break! I get nervous every time we have to bring him to the ER because I never know what they're going to find next. I'm angry at the world. What did Jaxson do to deserve this? Why must he go through all of this pain and suffering at such a young age? Why did this happen to OUR family? Never once did Jayson and I think that anything like this could happen when we planned to have Jaxson. Jeffrey is perfectly healthy, why should another baby be different? I'm proud of my family and thankful that I have their love and support. Proud of Jeffrey for how he handles his brother and for his ability to adjust and moveop on. He's a huge inspiration to me. I'm proud to be Jaxson's mom. God chose me. I had no say in the matter, and even with everything that's going on, I wouldn't change it for the world. That is one amazing little boy, a pillar of strength and the epitome of what every parent wants in a baby: happy, playful, not a care in the world. How this baby doesn't fuss on a regular basis, I will never know or understand. And without the support of Jayson, there's no way I could handle this. He is my rock, my shoulder to lean on, my giver of comfort. He's my best friend, my partner and my soul mate. I am lucky to have him as my husband and the father of my children.
The problem with me discussing my emotions is that I really don't know how. I can't even alwaysh identify what I'm feeling, let alone talk about it. I mean, I know what certain emotions and feelings are, but to tell you that's what I'm feeling is just not something I can do. It's something I need to work on, and I'm hoping that if I blog more on a regular basis, then I can figure all of this stuff out. For instance, right now I should be feeling something, anything. But I'm just here, sitting at the hospital, not thinking about anything that's going on in my life. I literally have almost no feeling at all. I'm not tired, I'm not sad, I'm not mad, I'm not happy or anxious or nervous. I might be a little worried because we don't have the blood cultures back and I haven't seen the doctor yet. But I'm not. It feels more like a minor irritation than anything else. I feel like that's weird. I should be more concerned. But the rational side of me shuts that down. If there was really something to worry about, we'd know by now, right?
This is the other problem, our PCA came in to do vitals and now I've totally lost my train of thought. I'm a little restless and I feel like there's something I should be doing, but I also know that I'm right where I need to be. I guess I just want to get to the bottom of this emotion thing. Why don't I feel much? Or do I feel my emotions just fine and not recognize them? Or do I recognize what I'm feeling and keep it at an arms length so I don't have to be fully immersed in said emotion? These are the questions I need to answer. I need to work on paying attention and letting go. It's terrifying to think about, but if I'm going to be the mom my boys need, I have to figure this out sooner rather than later. That doesn't mean that I'm going to turn into a wet mop or some dramatic diva, but I need to at least consciously recognize what I'm feeling and address it properly.
Let's talk about Jeffrey for a minute. I cannot believe he's going to be 5 in December! Where has the time gone? It took my baby and gave me back a little boy. A little person with his own personality, his own needs and his own developing attitude. He's so perfect in so many ways, but there is reason to worry about him. Yesterday, Jayson said he was looking out the window and so J asked Jeffrey if he was looking at all the pretty girls outside. Jeffrey told him no, that he was looking for me. Then he sat down on the couch quietly for awhile before randomly bursting into tears. He told Jayson that he didn't know why he was crying. The night before we came here, I came upstairs to find Jeffrey in our bed with his head close to the edge of the bed, on his back, with his right arm extended above his head and toward his brother who as asleep in his bouncer in our room. I wish I had had my phone to take a paid true. A first I just thought that he wanted to be close to his brother because they share a room. Now, though, I think he knew something was wrong and wanted to make sure Jaxson was okay. He has this ability to know when something is wrong with someone, and he always knows how to make it better. He's the light in our house, the joy that keeps us laughing and loving. He is what makes us who we are. I want to hug him and kiss his perfect little face all the time, but now he's too big to hold down, so I sneak my kisses and hugs as often as possible.
And then there's Michael, Jayson's son and my step-son. It's really weird to type that. I'm a stepmom. Odd. Anyway, Michael just always seems to show up right when we need him. He was here last year when Jaxson was in for his first skull surgery, and he helped tremendously with Jeffrey. He watched Jeffrey yesterday and volunteered to watch him today if Jayson had to work. He's a great kid with a heart of gold, and at 19 years old, I'm sure he has better ideas of what he can do with his time. He is not obligated to watch Jeffrey, but he always says yes when we ask. Is extremely helpful, probably more than he even realizes.
Hopefully we'll get an answer on a plan shortly. For know, I am going to relax and do a crossword.
"Life isn't the way it's supposed to be, it is the way it is. It's how you cope with it that makes the difference."
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