Frustrations

So Jayson and I went shopping for Jaxson yesterday. We bought his outfit to bring him home from the hospital, some booties and mittens and a few onesies. Then we realized that we have no idea what else to get. We don't know how long he's going to be in the hospital, or what we'll be responsible for providing while he's there. We have all of his furniture, but no blankets, bedding and the only clothes are what we got last night. We don't even know where to start. Or if he can have anything from home, like a soft toy or blanket, to have in his bed.

It's so frustrating, dealing with all of the unknowns. I'm a planner. I need to know how this is going to go down. And no one can tell me. I know there's a pretty solid chance he's going to need one surgery, so he'll be in the hospital for at least a month. But even that's not certain. There's a very small chance he won't require surgery, and there's a chance he'll require more than one surgery. How can I plan for that? How can I prepare myself for the mental and emotional toll that my body is about to go through? How can I make sure that Jaxson is going to have everything he needs if I don't even know what's going to happen?

The answer is that I can't. I can't plan. I can't control anything. And it's making me crazy. I'm not even sure how well I am preparing myself for what's to come. I mean, how do you prepare for it? I can research heart defects all I want, but it doesn't help because I don't know what the actual defect is. And I won't until he's born. How can I prepare for being away from my baby for a few days while I heal? I can ask other moms who've been there, but their experience isn't going to be the same as mine. No two experiences are identical. And how I deal with things is much different than how someone else might deal with it.

So there's only so much preparation I can do, and it's not going to be enough. And there's no planning that can happen because there's too much unknown. We have just over three weeks until this baby boy enters the world and I feel completely helpless and at a loss for what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to do it. It's beyond frustrating. I hate not knowing what to do. I just want my baby to be okay and I want to make sure that I'm doing everything I possibly can to make it easier for him. So please, keep praying for baby Jaxson. That's about the only thing I can control at this point.To end on a lighter note, here are pictures of the outfit we bought yesterday: