Perspective and Concern

We've all heard the saying, "It could be worse," right? Well I gained some perspective from that saying yesterday. My mom's boss' grandson (Caden) is Jeffrey's age. He has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. He's already undergone 3 or 4 surgeries and may need more. My heart breaks every time I get an update on little Caden because I can just picture Jeffrey laying in a hospital completely helpless and confused.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a perfectly happy and healthy little boy one day and the next day find out that you're going to spend months with him in a hospital room.

So while most days I feel like I'm going to break down that I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare, I am trying to take something positive out of the situation. No, it's not fun and I do not anticipate it getting easier, but we have some things going for us. One, there are not likely to be any surprises. We may not know the exact extent of the disorder that Jaxson is going to have, but we do know that something is wrong and what the worst case scenario is. We know that he's going to need once surgery, at a minimum, and that he's going to spend at least a month in the hospital. Okay, those are things we can prepare for. Two, because we know those things, Jaxson will be in the very capable hands of some of the best doctors in the world at Children's. I take comfort in knowing that these doctors are at the top of their field in what they do. Three, this isn't a surprise. It's not something that's sneaking up on us. We know about it, we know there's going to be a plan. And while there are still a lot of unknowns, what we do know is enough.

My heart and prayers go out to Caden and his family. He's been such a trooper and he has been so strong. I know that Jaxson comes from good stock. He'll be strong and he'll be a fighter, just like his mommy and daddy. I know he'll pull through, even if it's not a smooth ride.

Something else I've taken comfort in is how helpful and accommodating everyone I've come into contact has been. The nurse coordinators at Children's have been very candid with me and Becky in particular has been extremely helpful. She's answered all of my questions and then some. I can't wait to meet her on the 6th when we go for our tour. The nurses and staff at Riverside Maternal Fetal are always upbeat and greet me by name before I sign in. They've helped coordinate my meeting with the neonatologist on the 3rd to find out how this process is going to start off at Riverside. Dr. Weller (cardiologist) has made me feel like Jaxson is in great hands. Dr. Harmon (OB/surgeon) and Dr. Burkam (family practice) have both been instrumental in helping me through this process as well. I couldn't ask for better people to work with or to be by my side as our journey continues.

I do have to share one concern that reared it's ugly head at me today, though. And it's something that I will have to figure out as I go, which we all know I love so much. I am concerned that Jeffrey isn't going to get the attention he needs from me. I know I'm going to spend a ton of time with Jaxson and he's going to be a big focus for me for a long time. But I don't want Jeffrey to ever think that I don't love him or that I don't want him by my side. He's an angel. But he's only three and he needs his mom too. Jayson and I are going to carve out time where I can take Jeffrey by myself for a few hours a week, but I'm scared that won't be enough. He's so much like me and yet so much like his father. I can't have him walking around thinking that his mom cares more about the new baby than him.

As everything gets closer, my body gets more tired and I become more emotionally drained. I'm so ready for Jaxson to come out and get his evaluation so we can know what's going on. I'm ready to have my body back so I can play with my Jeffrey and chase him around like I used to. More than anything, I'm ready to get this process started. The waiting to find out anything is the real killer here. I'm trying to be patient so that Jaxson can put on some weight, and I do take solace and comfort in everything mentioned above. After my appointments next week I'll be as ready as I can be. For now, though, I'll just have to keep being patient and taking life one day at a time.