If you follow me on Facebook, then you already know that Jayson and I made the decision today to go ahead and have the doctors schedule Jaxson's G-tube surgery. He is improving on his feeds, and we will continue to work on it at home, but he's not improving fast enough for us to give him another week at the hospital to try it. We don't have a date for the surgery yet, but it will likely be Monday or Tuesday.
In preparation for the G-tube placement, Jaxson had to have a contras scan to make sure that his anatomy is correct. Meaning, they had to know that his stomach was in the right place! I wasn't really worried, if it was not in the right spot then his NG tube wouldn't be working. And I was right, everything looked good on the scan.
Of course, the day that I tell them we want to move forward with the tube so that he can come home, he starts eating better. He at 43mL at 8am, they made me stop at 10mL at 11 because of the scan, but he ate a full bottle (60mL) at 2! Then 35mL and 23mL tonight. It's like he knows what's coming. And you know what? If that motivates him then all the better! I can back out of that surgery at any time before they do it. So if he decides that he suddenly wants to take off and eat like he's supposed to, then we'll wait and let him do it. He's going to be at the hospital for another 10 days most likely anyway, so if it's not going to extend that time and he comes home without a tube, then I'll take it! I'm really not holding my breath though. We'll do the tube and if he gets it back out in a month then that's what happens. But I want him to progress at his pace, not be forced into it before he's ready.
On the subject of food, I've been attempting to wean myself off of pumping as I return to work next week. I've chatted with other moms and struggled with my own demons. Initially I felt that I wouldn't be able to take the time at work to do it. It was my decision to stop, no one was forcing me. But as I've started this process I'm beginning to question myself. I want to give Jaxson everything that I can. I won't be able to be home with him during the day, and I feel that if I can produce for him then I should. No one is pushing me in that direction either. Even the lactation consultants have been really understanding in working with me on what's best for my family. So all of this back and forth is in my head. I got some good tips on how to slow down my production, but part of me doesn't want to do that. If I can just back off slowly then maybe I'll feel better. I've already gotten myself to every 4-5 hours without a problem, so I'd only have to pump once during a shift. I tried 6 hours today and thought I was going to die by the time I pumped again.
So I'm trying to figure out what the best course of action is, even though I think I've already made up my mind. And maybe once Jaxson comes home I'll feel differently about what I can do for him, but for now I think I need to keep doing what I'm doing. It's exhausting, and it's going to be a pain to cart my pump around and make sure that I have access to a plug o a regular basis. But I think it will be far more wearing on me to NOT pump and provide for my baby. Not to mention the emotional toll that stopping pumping takes on a woman's body anyway.
If you're still reading this, thanks for letting me process my thoughts and feelings as I write. If you haven't noticed, that's how I function best.
Jaxson is finally on pace to come home and I can't wait until he gets here. He's going to have a long list of appointments with virtually every department at the hospital, but he'll be home. I'll be able to see him and touch him and take care of him without driving 20 minutes to do it. He can sleep in my bed, or at least in my room, and be surrounded by love 24/7. I just know that he'll improve and progress so much faster when he's in a regular environment that allows him to grow and thrive like a normal baby.
I just can't believe how far this little boy has come and how much I miss him every day. It's funny, I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to love Jaxson as much as I love Jeffrey. Jeffrey is such a cool little kid and so perfect in so many ways. There's something about your first that nothing else compares to. But Jaxson found a way. He wasn't going to let his big brother have all of my love, he managed to find enough room in my heart to get the same amount of love that Jeffrey gets. I honestly didn't think it was possible, and I never believed my mom when she said she loved us all the same. But now I get it. I couldn't ask for better kids and I can't wait to show Jaxson what it's like to be around love all the time. He's a special baby and deserves everything we can give him. Even if he ends up with a few scars from a G-tube that gets him in the place he belongs earlier than if we didn't do it.
My nerves are pretty shot at this point. This was a big decision and I won't be able to be there for his surgery next week as I'll be back a work. But Jayson can be there. And I can call as often as I want. Is the right decision. I know it is.
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