It's been a few days since my last update, mostly because there hasn't been a whole lot to report and I've been too tired to post at the end of the day. So the biggest news is that Jaxson came off of his oxygen on Monday at 11:45am and has been holding his own ever since. That was one of the checkboxes keeping him in the NICU, so we can check it off and move on to the next one.
Aside from the 3 days of antibiotics Jaxson has left, the only other checkbox is his ability to eat from a bottle. Which is slowly moving in the right direction. He isn't eating much at each feed, but he's starting to at least take something. He ranges from 2mL to his max of 36mL. A full feed is 50mL for him right now, so that's what we need him to eat. Every time. On Friday, the doctor and I are going to see where his progress is with feeds as that will be his last day of antibiotics. He should get his PICC line out once those are completed, so the next step is what do we do to get him home.
There are a few things that can happen. One, he improves enough to get the feeding tube out and he comes home on his own. Two, he continues to progress, but not to where he needs to be for the tube to come out, so he comes home with a feeding tube. Three, Jaxson decides he's not ready to come home and throws us some other curve ball that keeps him there longer. I'm banking on him coming home with a feeding tube, as much as that will suck. But I guess if it gets him home then I'll take it. The question is when will that be? We know it will be at least one mor week after this one. Maybe more. It's all going to depend on Jaxson.
Which brings up the bulk of why I'm writing tonight. I go back to work on August 12. I went in to the bank today to talk with Lindsay about the schedule, which she is more than willing to work with me on. I thought I was ready to go back, I still think I am and the distraction will be nice. But I'm also freaking out about it. I trust Jayson with our kids 100%, but I'm a mom. I need to be home to take care of Jaxson. But I sure as heck can't quit my job. And I do think it will be good for me to get out of the house without going to the hospital. But Jaxson might not even be home at first, which is going to be even harder than if he were home. Because there will be days that I won't be able to go and see him. And that makes me sick.
Quite literally it makes me sick. I was up all last night sick to my stomach and I've been nauseous all day. I think this is why. My return to work is drawing near and Jaxson coming home is too. I will get zero bonding time with him. And all of the responsibility will fall on Jayson. I know he can handle it, and it's something we've prepared for with him switching jobs so that he is able to stay home. But I don't think I mentally and emotionally prepared myself for what that would mean with this baby. Jaxson is going to require so much attention and Jeffrey is not going to like sharing his daddy.
I don't know, maybe I'm making something out of nothing. I'm just so worked up about this whole situation. Everything is going in the right direction and here I am freaking out because I'm not ready for it. This is just not the way things are supposed to go when you have a baby. You're supposed to come home together, get used to each other, get on a schedule together, and then move forward with life. It's been 4 weeks today since Jaxson was born and I hardly feel like I have two kids. So now I get to adjust to having two kids at home while working a full time job and trying to get my Buckeyes website back on track. It's very overwhelming. And I'm not sure I can handle it.
Well, I will handle it I guess, it's just a matter of how well I handle it. And maybe I'll be fine when the time comes. Maybe it's just the anticipation that has me all worked up because there's still so much that's unknown. That's probably a lot of it, actually. I need to plan, and there is no plan. There can't be a plan because so much depends on Jaxson. The little guy is giving me an ulcer and he's barely a month old!
In better news, Ariella was discharged from the hospital today and is at home with my parents. Sara is on the mend too and we should have a plan for her discharge tomorrow after she talks to the doctors. It seems like everything is under control and stable for her right now, so hopefully it stays that way and she can get home to her baby very soon.
And I had my follow up with the doctor for my C-Section yesterday. I'm healing up nicely and I've lost 12.5 pounds. It's not as much as I would like, but I was given I the okay to ease into working out again. So hopefully I'll drop the rest of this weight pretty quickly. I know that exercise will help me stay even and less anxious as well.
So maybe I'm just feeling this way because everything is calming down. Life has been so busy and crazy between going into labor early, learning about Jaxson's unexpected issues, traveling between two hospitals to visit my son and my sister, and trying to keep up with my other son and husband. I think I just got used to crazy and didn't have time to think about anything else. Now I have to remember what reality is like and face it head on. Time for me to suck it up and do what's best for my family instead of hiding out and pretending like I can ignore the rest of the world.
I'm sure it's nothing a glass of wine can't handle, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment