I can't believe it's been four days since my last post. I wanted to get something up last night, but I just didn't have it. I fell asleep in the five minutes it took for Jayson to put Jeffrey to bed last night. I can't remember if I posted this yet, but Sara came home on Saturday. We are all excited to have her back where she belongs, especially her daughters. She's not completely out of the woods yet, but she's at least stable enough to be home while they try to figure out what's ultimately causing her problems. It's been nice to have her home and have her be available when I actually get a minute to call her!
So, if you didn't catch it on Facebook yesterday, Jaxson had his feeding tube put in yesterday. I got to the hospital around 7:30am to see him and hang out before everything got started. He was a add-on, so we had no idea when he would be taken back. I was really hoping that everything would get going before I had to go to work, and thankfully it did. Also thankfully, Jayson had Jeffrey up and ready pretty early. Sam was more than willing to watch Jeffrey during all of this and take him to my dads as well, so when I called Jayson to let him know, he was already dropping Jeffrey off. From there, Amanda was nice enough to pick Jeffrey up as there was a small glitch in our plans, and she was nice enough to grab him on short notice. Then Jayson picked him up from her later. I love my friends and family!
So, we got the call shortly before 9am. They got Jaxson switched to a different bed that would help regulate his temperature during and after surgery and then we were off to the OR waiting room. I talked with anesthesia before Jayson got there, but he arrived in time to talk to the doctor before surgery. We were able to smother Jaxson with kisses and walk with him down to the OR before we went to the family waiting room. On the walk down, I had to fight the urge to burst into tears. I got us checked in and got Jaxsons's tracking number to follow his progress on the monitor. Each kid is assigned a number and a list is shown on the screen so you a see what part of the process your child is in. You can see when everything is done and be ready for them to come get you before your name is actually called. I didn't get to see much of that because I was in that room for all of five minutes. I had to pump and then go to work.
Leaving the hospital while Jaxson was in surgery was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. But it was probably the best decision I could have made. Jayson was there to talk to the doctors afterward and there was nothing I could do during the procedure. It was good for me to return to work and be distracted during that time. Jayson said that Jaxson was so out of it after the surgery that I didn't miss anything anyway. Of course, I would have held him, but I have other responsibilities too and I needed to make sure I took care of everything.
Jaxson came through the surgery really well. He has lots of new hardware attached to him that is really scary to look at right now, but I know it's for the best. We were able to get him circumcised at the same time, which was nice for a couple of reasons. One, the nurses can take care of it for most of the healing process. Two, he was already sedated so we didn't have to put him through it twice.
There was one negative that came out of the surgery. The doctor who did the surgery apparently makes it a practice to look at the pelvic area when she does feeding tubes. It's laparoscopic, so nothing too crazy. She discovered that the area where Jaxson's testicles dropped from did not close and heal up as they should have. It's really common in premature babies, and it hasn't caused him any issues yet, but it will make him more prone to hernias. And it WILL have to be fixed at some point. We'll find out more about what that really means in a month when we go in for the follow-up appointment and his first G-Tube change.
It's really hard to go see Jaxson while he heals up from this. He is on a continuous drip through his tube. First it was just Pedialyte to make sure everything was okay and that he could tolerate it. He was switched back to food today and they will monitor how he handles that before moving him back to regular feeds. But while he's on the continuous drip he can't be picked up. So all I could do was lean over and give him kisses. And when I did that he would fuss. He's still on morphine and Tylenol every four hours too, so he's pretty out of it.
I am so ready for him to come home that I can't stand it. But I want to cry seeing that tube in his belly and now I question whether it was the right decision. I know deep down that it was, but it's so hard to see now. I hate it for him. I hate that he's in pain. I hate that he can't be comforted by me because I can't pick him up. I hate that I probably won't get to see him tomorrow.
It's like I get more depressed each day, but I shouldn't because I know he's coming home next week. Jayson and I are going to training classes on Friday to learn how to take are of Jaxson's tube and how to replace it if it comes out. Maybe I'm just depressed that we even have to do this. The more I think about how unfair this is, the more I have to remind myself that we can do it. We were blessed with an amazing little boy in Jeffrey. He's not only going to be a great big brother, but I already know he's got the personality and character to handle growing up with a little less attention than Jaxson. Keeping it equal is a huge goal of mine, but there will just be times that Jaxson needs more. And I firmly believe that Jeffrey will grow up knowing that he's just as special as his brother, even if mo and dad can't always show him. Jayson and I have a strong enough foundation to handle Jaxon and his medical problems without it tearing us apart. There are so many people I hear about whose relationships aren't strong enough to withstand this situation. Ours isn't one of them. How many men do you know that are comfortable enough in their own skin to be a stay-at-home dad and let their wife go to work? It's a complete role reversal and not many men could handle it. I'm blessed to be married to a man that is not just able, but -willing- to stay home with the kids.
So I'm hoping that these times of depression get fewer and farther between. I'm hoping that fence Jaxson comes home that things will start to look up and that my feelings are caused by my dissing him more than anything. I guess we'll find out next week. For now, I'll just keep counting the blessings that I have in my three amazing boys. I hope that Jaxson continues to teach me something every day and I'm grateful that Jeffrey is perfect and Jayson supports me in everything I do.
I truly am blessed, even if sometimes it's hard to see beyond the struggles.
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