I didn't get to go see Sara tonight. There was so much going on up there and she is on so much medication right now that I didn't want to bring Jeffrey. So that gave me a chance to chill out and begin to process some things. I also gave me a chance to clean a little, although not much since I'm still dealing with incision pain from my surgery.
Jeffrey must have sensed I was having a rough night because he pretty much chilled out. I had to yell at him a couple of times when he wasn't listening, but he's three so that's to be expected. He mostly sat with me on the couch, sat on my lap, or layed in bed with me. And that's when I realized that I really miss Jaxson. As I said in my earlier blog, I won't know more until tomorrow, but I know it's going to be at least two more weeks before my baby comes home. And likely it will be longer.
It's been almost three weeks and I only get to see him for a few hours a day. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad Jayson and I have this schedule worked out. It's been really helpful for Jeffrey and it makes me feel like I'm doing right by both of my kids. But at the same time, Jaxson just needs me more. I would stay at the hospital 24/7 if I didn't have Jeffrey. But I do, so I'm limited.
And all of this got me thinking about the day he was born and comparing it to the day Jeffrey was born. I didn't get to hold either of m kids right after they were born. With Jeffrey, I was numb from the neck down for an hour after my surgery. With Jaxson, they took him away to be stabilized and ready him for transfer. I didn't get that initial bond where they put your baby on your chest. At least with Jeffrey, I got to do that once I could move. And I got to nurse him that night too.
Jaxson has been removed from me from the start and it's really starting to wear on me. It's hard enough adding a child to a home that already has a child and trying to balance how life will work. Now throw in that second child not being at home and having to split your time between two places AND two kids. It's frustrating and heartbreaking. When I'm at the hospital, I feel like I should be home with Jeffrey. When I'm home, I feel like I should be with Jaxson. In reality, I should be with both of them at the same time. All the time. At my house, with my stuff, taking care of them at the same time. Instead, I'm facing the very real possibility that Jaxson will still be at Children's when I go back to work at the end of August.
And what about Jayson? I haven't gotten to see him for longer than five minutes at a time in weeks. I'd love to have some one on one time with my husband. Our relationship is so strong that I'm not concerned about the toll this is taking, but I still miss him. And we live together! But I need him to work and make money to help with our bills, so that's what he does. But it would sure be nice for he and I to get some alone time, even if it just means watching a movie on the couch.
If I could ask one thing from everyone that reads this, it would be to please pray that Jaxson gets to come home sooner rather than later. He needs to be able to breathe on his own and eat from a bottle before they'll let him leave. But I know that one he gets here everything will calm down so much, and we'll be able to manage things so much better. I just miss Jaxson so much! I want to be the one that picks him up whenever he cries, the one to feed him every three hours even though it means less sleep, the one to change his diapers whenever he needs it, the one who makes all of his little worries disappear at a touch. I need him probably more than he needs me right now. It's like a little piece of me is missing without him here. And I can't get it back until he comes home.
So, when you pray next time, please think of baby Jaxson. Whatever road lies ahead for him is nothing compared to how his family feels right now. We need him home!
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