More Surgery

Before I get to Jaxson's update, I have to give a huge shout out to the newest addition to our family. Ariella Renee Luciana Bango was born this morning at 1:04am, weighing in at 6lbs, 4oz and 19 inches long. She's a beautiful, healthy, perfect little baby girl and I couldn't be happier for my sister!

Now back to Jaxson. The cleft team did not come down for his noon feeding today like I thought they were going to, so hopefully they'll come tomorrow. Jaxson refused to eat for me again today anyway, so it's probably not a bad thing. I also got the results of his CT scan. He does have bones fused together in his skull, so he'll have to have surgery to fix it. This will be surgery number 3 that little Jaxson will have to endure. I don't know when yet, I was a little in shock when the doctor was there that I didn't think to ask any questions. So I'm going to write down a bunch of questions and have Jayson talk to the doctors tomorrow while I get my hair done. I feel guilty about going to do that, but I'm being shoved out the door tomorrow morning so I'm going to try and enjoy it.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, that my baby is never going to get to come home. None of this is anyone's fault, it's just that things went wrong when Jayson and my genes got together. But why? I know everyone says that God won't give you more than you can handle, but He's really pushing it. Today is a tough day. I'm trying to write this and I can barely see what I'm doing. People ask how I'm doing and how I can stand to be away from my baby. Just like any mother, I can't. I just do what I have to. There's another little boy in my house that needs his mommy. I'm completely drained and exhausted. I need someone to come and clean my house and pay my bills.

The biggest question I have right now is what am I going to do if Jaxson is still in the hospital when I go bad to work? How am I going to balance being a mom of two boys that are in different places with working a full time job? I can't even handle it while I'm not working, I can't imagine what I will do when that changes.

And what about Jaxson? Is he going to need 24/7 medical care? How long is the recovery for these procedures he has to have? When does he have to have them? And what if he has to still have heart surgery down the road? And I don't even know if they've tested for my clotting disorder. If he has that on top of everything else, then what? J ust more questions to send with Jayson tomorrow I guess.

I can't even think straight right now. I'm just so worried about Jaxson it makes me sick. I'm at a total loss for what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to act and feel. I just want to crawl in bed and forget everything. My emotions are so out of control right now and I think that's making a huge impact on me, I can usually control how I feel, but between the roller coaster of having a baby combined with worrying about that baby because of health issues, I'm not having much luck in the control department. Hopefully I'll get that under control as I get more answers.

On the bright side, it's lookng like this schedule I am working out with Jeffrey is gong to be great. He's been so much better and easier to handle the last few days that I'm hoping it continues if we can keep that up. He's such a resilient little boy and the light of my life. I'm trying to soak in every moment I can get with him while he'll let me.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better. I just hope that's the case because I'm not sure how much more bad news I can take!