Realizations

First, I'll give a quick update on Jaxson since I've been getting a lot of messages and comments about him. Jax is doing great! They were going to feed him yesterday, two days ahead of schedule, but one of his routine care tests came back funny. So they did some bloodwork and pushed the feeding back. His blood came back fine so they're going to give him real food today! He's got a PICC line right now that gives him the nutrition he needs, but he has yet to experience milk. He won't be able to take a bottle because his respirations are too high and it's a choking risk, but he'll get to have real food in his belly. The best part of that is that it will be food I provided! I didn't have any luck nursing Jeffrey because of production issues, but I seem to be having much better luck this time. I'm so thankful that I can do this one small thing for my baby. He's fighting so hard and he's doing so well, I wish I could do it for him. His skin color is looking a lot better too. A couple of days ago he was kind of red, on Friday he was kind of pink, and yesterday his skin color was almost normal! He's such a strong boy! Oh, and he's gained weight, which is amazing! He was up to 6lbs 5oz yesterday, one ounce shy of what Jeffrey was when he was born. Everything is moving in the right direction and I couldn't be more proud of my baby or more thankful to the staff at Cildrens.

It's taken me some time to come to a few realizations this time. And it's because when they took Jaxson away from me the day he was born, I totally detached myself from him. It was too emotional. I didn't know what was going to happen. And my baby wasn't by my side so it felt like he didn't exist. Since I've been discharged and I've been able to not only see my son, but hold him, it's finally hitting me. I have two kids. Am I really ready for this? Part of me wants to throw up when I think about raising two boys, but the rest of me says to suck it up and enjoy the ride. I know I'm ready, I think it's just overwhelming right now because one of my kids isn't here. So I'm splitting my dys between my boys and none of the time spent with them overlaps. Plus, I want Jeffrey to see his little brother and be able to touch him and he can't do that right now. Sure, we can take him to Children's, but it's no place for a 3 year old to be for any extended period of time. So I guess I'm anxious to have things be normal, but then there's the realization that things aren't going to be "normal" for us. Jaxson is going to have lots of doctors appointments and procedures that most kids don't have. So we'll have to adjust our normal I suppose. And I suppose that's just fine with me if it means my little boy is happy and healthy!

Another realization I came to is that I have a July 4th baby! His birthday will be forever celebrated with fireworks and parades. He shares a birthday with the greatest country in the world. We will always be able to have his party on his birthday because no one has to work that day. At least there's something about Jaxson that is easy!

I've also come to the realization that it's okay for me to ask for help. Especially while I'm recovering, but even after I recover from surgery it's okay for me to ask for help from people. Right now, I need help with Jeffrey. I can't lift him or move around enough to play with him. I even have trouble making his lunch because I move so slow and I can't stretch to reach things. Yesterday I was blessed enough to have my best friend come over and hang out with me all day so that Jayson could come and go as needed without worry that I wouldn't be okay. Today I'm going to my parents house all day so that Jayson can do a tattoo and I'll have help with Jeffrey. It's not even just him though, there are things I can't do for myself that I have to have help with. And I'm slowly learning that it's okay for me to ask when I need it.

And now that I've talked to Jayson, I learned that Jaxson will have an ECG on his heart today. They'll be checking to see that everything is okay after taking him off his medication. And it's not 100% that they'll feed him now either. No real reason except that they've decided they want to wait the full 72 hours after taking him off the meds. So I'll get more info when I go see him later and hopefully it's more good news!